


Severus Snape’s Guide to Becoming Proper Little Witches and Wizards

by drwritermom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Snarry-A-Thon20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drwritermom/pseuds/drwritermom
Summary: Severus Snape has written the ultimate guide to raising proper little witches and wizards. Harry begs to differ.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 12
Kudos: 99
Collections: Snarry_a_Thon20





	Severus Snape’s Guide to Becoming Proper Little Witches and Wizards

**Author's Note:**

> To the prompter, thank you for this delightful prompt. Loads of thanks to the moderators, who host this lovely celebration of all things Snarry, and to badgerlady, our generous Thon beta!
> 
>  **Prompt:** 78 - Severus writes a book. Take it in any direction you like!

The near-silent click of his study door lock was the only warning Severus Snape received before his very visibly irate husband, Harry Potter, barreled into his study. Wildly scintillating magic was literally crackling from his person. Severus was caught between fear of accidental magical backlash, and laughter at the spectacle his incensed spouse presented. Before he could react to this invasion into his fortress of solitude, Harry erupted.

“Severus Tobias Snape, you’ve been holed up in this study of yours for two weeks now, not only neglecting your potions business, but your friends, and your husband as well! I only see you when you return your dirty plates and utensils to the sink, and when you exit the loo! Tell me, what in Merlin’s name is so important that you have exiled yourself from wizardkind?” The _and from me_ was left unsaid, hovering in the angst-ridden silence that followed.

“Harry, I wasn’t aware that I was required to account for my every waking moment when we bonded. I have been busy, on a project with a rapidly approaching deadline. I have notified all of my clients. That is all you need to know.”

The magic emanating from Harry caused parchments to become airborne, causing a tornado of paper to form, with Harry at its center. He snatched a parchment from the whirlwind, and as he read it, his errant magic dissipated, and the remaining papers fluttered to the ground.

“ _Severus Snape’s Guide to Becoming Proper Little Witches and Wizards_ \- you’re writing a children’s book? What makes you an authority on anything related to children? You hate them!”

“I hate the mischief and mayhem they bring to my lab. They are coddled by their parents, who believe magic absolves them from behaving properly before their elders and, most important, their teachers. I am aiming to change their perception of their place in wizarding society.”

“I have seen you treat Kreacher better than you do children, and you despise him.”

“He deliberately laundered my robes so they were billow-resistant. I need the billow effect, to instill fear - I mean respect, into the drooling dunderheads that we are forced to teach.”

“I teach the very same students you do, Severus, and they are not dunderheads. And they certainly don’t drool. And fear is a lousy motivator.”

Severus ignored Harry’s reply long enough to gather up the pages of his manuscript. Harry, meanwhile, grew curious about the contents of said manuscript. As his bondmate gathered the last page, Harry Accioed the document from his hands.

Harry read the subscript to the title page. “Note - Witches are first in the title because that’s alphabetical order, you little dunderheads”. Under the subscript, Snape had penciled in ‘this note is to be on the title page, and not the cover, so parents won’t see it until it has been purchased and is held fast in the little dunderhead’s hands. The thought of this warms my blackened little heart.’

Harry rapidly perused the pages. Children were always referred to as little dunderheads. ‘There are pictures of many things in this book, dear children, but none of a dunderhead.’ Severus once again penciled an explanation to his young readers : ‘Don’t worry, little witches and wizards, Professor Snape will enlighten you when you get to Hogwarts. Or you could look in the mirror. What stares back at you, oh gullible child, is a dunderhead.’

Topics included in the treatise boggled Harry’s brain:

Respecting your elders: Treat your elders, especially your (Hogwarts Potions) professors, with the proper respect, or woe will befall you.

Cleanliness, or else: All of the disgusting, and probably incurable, nasties that you can catch if you ignore basic hygiene.

Don’t put that in your mouth, you ignorant dunderhead: If it isn’t food, or a non-alcoholic drink, or a potion sanctioned by a parent, medi-professional, or Potions Master, it doesn’t belong in your mouth. When you are legal adults, you are free to discover all manner of lovely oral pleasures. I beg of you, ask your parents for more information. Tell them Uncle Severus sent you.

Regarding magical beasts: Avoid any creature Rubeus Hagrid foists upon you as cute, cuddly, or “misunderstood.”

Proper familiars for Wizarding children: Never will a jarvey be on that list. The Hogwarts staff know the difference between ferrets and jarveys. If you need a talking familiar, might I suggest a crow or raven (lovely ebony color, matches my robes...oops, I digress). 

Nifflers are also a no-go. Dark in color they may be, but mark my words, any beast that cute just can’t be trusted.

Proper attire for young witches and wizards: As long as you are decently covered by a wizarding robe while out and about, I don’t give a Kneazle’s whisker what you have on underneath it. But do wear undergarments. Good little witches and wizards do not, as the Muggles say “go commando.”

Harry could read no more. Looking up from Severus’s literary effort, Harry took a deep, shuddering breath before speaking. “Merlin’s mouldy pants, Severus, you can’t publish this as a children’s book! I’m sure you seriously mean everything you’ve written, but it reads like a parody of every “how to” parenting guide for parents of pre-Hogwarts children.”

“Harry, I don’t say this, well, ever, but like the proverbial chimps with the equally proverbial typewriters, you have just banged out the beginnings of proverbial Shakespearean comedy!”

One week later, with plenty of collaboration between the two married colleagues, the manuscript for _Hogwarts or Bust - the Frustrated Parents Guide to Parenting before You Ship Your Dunderheads off to Us_ was owl-posted to Phoenix Publishing House. It was well-received by parents, teachers, and all who enjoyed witty snark disguised as advice.

“Harry, I trust you will never again doubt my literary superiority,” Severus smugly purred as he read the proof of their book in bed, Harry snuggled at his side.

“Shut it, Sev, without the parody designation, this book would never have been published. You’re lucky I’m here, ready to turn your authorial frown, upside down,” Harry snickered.

“Accio Harry’s nightclothes,” Severus murmured. 

“You’re lucky you have a glorious arse, dunderhead,” Severus purred.

“Your dunderhead,” Harry whispered.

“Always,” Severus answered, before all communication between the pair was nonverbal.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment here or at [LiveJournal](https://snape-potter.livejournal.com/3912602.html), [Insanejournal](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snape_potter/1839308.html), or [Dreamwidth](https://snape-potter.dreamwidth.org/1171004.html).


End file.
